my memories...~

last 4 days ago....
there r something happend...
something that i can't forget until i m dead...

i don't know why i m doing that such thing..

but yeah i v to admit...

i can't stopped it to happed..

when i m thinking about life..

now i know..

how much it priceless...

i think my life is much better than the others when i know the truth bout the rest..

something that i m not expected from them...

i thought i m the evil one..

but i m not..!

last 4 years ago...

i know i make a lot of mistakes in my life..

i became like that coz of something happend here...

in my family...

n when i grown up now..

i realize... that God really love me...

he gave me strengh to stand backed again...

n he gave me that once again last few days ago...

after i m so upset with my life...

buat someone...

this is 4 u....

pagi itu....

dalam dingin keheningan pagi...

aku lihat cahaya datang dari timur...

nun mekar di balik awan...

di waktu kita dalam perjalanan...

burung2 terbang bebas...

meraikan hari baru....

dan pagi itu...

aku sedar........

cinta itu tidak semudah yang dituturkan..

cinta itu tidak semudah untuk dibuktikan...

tapi cinta itu... perit dalam hati...

aku sedar... mulai hari itu...

aku berada di tengah2 persimpangan....

antara dua hati.... yang aku sayangi...

bile aku fikirkan...

aku xsanggup berlaku kejam pada dia....

yang pertama hadir...

tapi aku juga xsanggup berlaku kejam pada dia....

yang datang tiba tiba...

tapi kisah 6 tahun yang lalu...

buat aku sedar....

6 tahun yang aku korbankan buat dia yang lepas...

jadi sia sia....

kerna aku jatuh cinta pada dia...

yang xpernah hargai diri ini....

kita..

manusia....

sememangnya mampu merancang....

dan kitalah yang teruskan hidup ini...

cinta itu....

akan sentiasa ada dalam hati ini....

biar ianya hanya baru mekar dalam hati....

kini....

aku renungkan kembali....

mengapa semua ini terjadi....

mungkin kah ada hikmah di sebalik semua ini...

atau hanya musibah yang akan datang pada diri ini....

detik detik yang berlalu....

biar sesaat pun.....

mampu ketemukan aku dengan seseorang yang baru....

yang mungkin menjadi milikku...

yang mungkin diciptakan untukku....

detik yang lepas itu....

mungkin hanya kenangan silam....

mungkin hanya satu pengajaran....

dan hakikatnya..

semua itu hanya Dia yang tahu.....

kita manusia...

hanya teruskan apa yang telah ditentukan...

hanya teruskan pada apa yang telah kita lakukan...

kerna jodoh itu...

hanya Dia yang tahu...

dan jodoh itu....

xkan jadi kenyataan kalau kita biarkan nun pergi dari sisi.....

biarpun ianya baru terdetik dalam hati.....

i wish can be lesbian..~

here i am....

don't know what i m feeling right now...

i wish i could end all of this..

i wish i could make everyone around me happy....

especially 4 those that i love...

i v promise my self not to fall in love again...

especially with men..!!!

hate those guys..!

i got hurted reallly2 bad...

i m so scared n nervous..!

but suddenly i found somebody that could be the one....

n all the story begun...!

i fall in love with men again..!!!!

bull shit..!!!

i wish i could be lesbian....

i wish i could stop all this...!

i m so stumble upon with what is going on right now..

so damn2 hurted..!!!!!!!

i hope public will understand....

why did i choose this path...

i just can't stand again....

stand on my foot n pretend everything was happend is not hurting me... ;(

so damn confuse....

this hari raye.... so many things was happend to me...

yeah... like jatuh da... kene timpe tangge lak...

so damn hurted..!

sometimes i feel like i m so damn fool...

yes i am...!

i miss someone... that i v hurted....

i do want him to come back in mylife...

i do love him....

i v to admit coz i dont want to loose anybody else anymore...

i miss him...

b4 this i dont know how to show...

but when he walked away...

i feel so empty..... so lonely...

sometimes i feels like i want be single...

so hopefully i m not become like this.... but yes i can't!

i do have someone that i love deep inside my heart...

but.... i just can't deny i do love him too...!!

shit...!

n all of sudden...

there is someone came...

make me feel happy at the first... then i just can't stop that happend tooooo...!!!

setan tol...!!!!

i do love syahrul... i do...!!!

but i can't deny i love the rest too...!!

ya allah.... tabahkan la hati aku...

jauhkan la aku dr dugaan syaitan....

there r many path that i can choose...

why do this happend to me....~

where they didn't come when i don't have no body...

but now... so shit u know....~

i can just denied them like that...

yeah what.... i still depend on looking 4 the best..~

n still keep looking even there is perfect guy beside me...

nak nangis but i can't anymore...

feel so regret what was happend....

but i can't stopped that happend!!!

i want too.... but yeah i feel guilty...~

knape yg lain bisa.... mendua dgn mudahnya.....

but not me...!!

well... i v realize now....

i just can bubbling here n there...

i can't also just stop all of this like this...

i v to through all this....

there is at least a reason 4 something to happend....

ya allah.....

kembalikan la aku ke jalanmu....

aku mahu ketenangan itu....

aku mahu keredhaan mu....

amin....

kristian or islam??

yet until now people still fight each other coz of different religion n races...

i m saying this is not bcoz that i m at the christian side... or muslim side..

but 4 me we have to add our info bout the religion...

what i can c n i think everyone know....

most of the muslim i mean in malaysia so sensitive when talk about bible..

this is based on my experiences which is...

i v read 1 book bout bukti2 sains dan sejarah kerasulan Mohamad by Dr. Danial Zainal Abidin who is pengurus klinik syifa di gelugor, penang.

yeah.... the intro is talk about bible..

what is in bible... n what bible said bout muhamad...

n he also talk about the history of bible... who r involve in publishing bible until it become 2 part...

that book is very useful for us as a muslim to know what is bible is about...

n one day.... my fren saw me hold that book..

n when he read that book(at the bible part).....

on the spot he said.... why should i read that book...

it feels like i make a big mistake n really wrong....

i don't want to say that he is dumb..

but yeah.... to close minded...

he is easy to judge me... b4 know what is the book is about.....

what i want to say here....

i wish the war between muslim n christian will end soon...

n i always hope we can live in this world peaceful...

4 those muslim or christian....

i hope they will understand each other 1st...

then learn bout muslim or even christian to know further bout each other...

4 me... know bout christian is one of amazing experinces i had..

bcoz what...it is not easy to open our mind to accept something is differ from our religion...

p/s: learn bout other religion is doesn't mean that we want to change our religion.. but that is about how we manage our life by understanding what is happening around us... n what is causes of that~

still confuse~

mgu ni aku mmg xde nak ade mood sgt...

mcm bengang.. n perasaan tu mcm2 rase skg......

sedih.... happy?? ntah.. seriously aku xtau....

bab yg paling membuatkan aku byk berpk...

should i continue this.....

separuh ati aku nyesal ambik kos geografi kat ukm...

seriously i m!

coz b4 this i m so damn fool never trust myself...

self esteem aku pun menurun~

by the way... aku pun terkilan jugak...

nak tinggalkan subjek yg aku learn by myself...!

aku bace buku dlm mase 9bulan...

try to understand... what is geo is about..

that time aku decide kptsan ni....

aku mmg rase sebe salah..

i thought i v choose the right path..

but actually i m not really...

my mind is bout geo...~

but what god's give not really in to it...

aku sndr xpaham knape aku le buat kptsan ni....

sdgkan dr skola lagi aku mmg debater... xkire bi ke bm..

smpai masuk ukm ni... aku still teruskan jugak...

then just know i just realize....

why i m taking this course....??

sdgkan i can be excellent in the other side..

this is where i m not belong~

sedih jugak...

da masuk sem 3.... then da nak 2 thun aku kat course ni....

aku rase cm syg nak tgal n i can't! coz of jpa contract!

aku xsalahkan Allah atas pe yg berlaku skg ni....

n aku terime sme ni de hikmahnyer...

well..... kalo aku xmasuk kos ni..

aku xjmpe my beloved syahrul najman...

then aku xmeet mbr2 yg agak gler...

n lady yg cute but agak brutal... nurul...

semue tu buat aku senyum....

untuk ubati hati ni....

wellll...... i v to carry on....

mungkin ade hikmah dsebalik semue ni....

insyallah.... aku akan smbung jugak dlm bidang undang2....

as what my father wish...

one day~

now... what i can do... just try to adopt myself in this situation...

hopefully i can suit there...~

here in ppspp....

even i know it is hard to...

but i v too....

even there is no more spirit here in myself...

but still hopefully i can get it back..

eventhough it is impposible~

amin.....

glernye org!

tersebutla kisah... seekor babi...~

die suke tol kan nak mengkritik aku atas sbb ape2 ntah....

mgu lpas babi tu nak perli2 pe aku pakai g present..

then mggu ni aku nak tgok die nak perli aku ape..~

bangang nye babi....

die nak kutok aku...

die xpk die pakai baju ikut shape perut.. bukan ikut body shape..!

wakakkakakaka...

hinenye babi pakai baju...~

makin lame aku makin nyampah kat ukm ni....~

dak2 yg close mind... yg ntah ape2 ntah...

sstgah je yg le pk gune otak... kecoh sgt nak ambik tau sal org...

lg2 ble result kuar... watpe la nak msj2 tnyer org..

tgok result sndri suda la...

then nak berlagak2 dgn result memasing...~

result tgi melangit pun... tp pas degree nak keje terus....

xde maknenyer~

lets fight la kat master... aku nak tgok ko brani x....

buat tesis dlm bi... study dlm bi... overall totally bi...

tp wat master setakat bidang yg gerenti blaja bm..

xrase cm mencabar pun...~

xpahamla....

knape aku pegi mane2 pun.... mesti jumpe org cmni...

dulu kat teknik.... le la tme dak2 tu semue le kate 90% dak2 dok dlm estet....

minda xkembang pun.....

tp ble dok ukm ni.... kat area bukanla jauh nor dgn kl....

supposed to be berkembangla gak minda tu kan..~

ni bawak otak kampung dok cni...

ni ke yg dikatekan jaguh kg?????

jap nak pk~ ye kot....~~~

knape la eh...

aku yg dok bandar yg xbeso mane pun le gak open my mind....

mereke2 itu xbole nak buat cm tu??

aku buat rambut ala2 kerinting negro pun die nak kutuk???

what the helll?????

xpnah tgok ke pe??

fuck off this babi~ kalo de m16 aku ni..

aku tembak telor die kasi hancur!

geram.....~~~~~

deserve? juctice? this is life?

something was happend here in ukm, n that thing is something is not easy to accept. i was too foolish coz i m not really trusted my self b4 . n now i m really regret.... so.. soo....

the thing is something that i always thinking 4 this few days. should i quit n change course or should i just finishing this course n buat xtau to what just happend right now. here in ukm i saw a scandal between my m**** bull shit n my c********* mother fucker. ya... i m jealous... but i m wondering whether this is hapeend coz of deserve??? vividly the memories last 3 months ago makes me awake... dunie mmg macam ni ke? then i was just asking my self based on my pengantar falsafah asgment.... kenape still kejahatan itu berlaku even sifat2 tuhan itu maha adil n so on..???

masyallah... sometimes i blame the top coz what just happend. really upset wei.......

n that fucker mucker is faked !!!!!!!! all this thing happend make me really miss my f6 life....

happy go lucky... study in relaxed.... n most important thing..... we got what we deserve...!!

ape la gunenye aku pegi ipta wat degree... n that grade we got is something easy to get by switch on the fan suis! bangang nye la hai..... patutla org ckp grade ni bole jual beli~ huhuhuhuhu.......